Confident Eaters

The Harm in Compliments and Body Talk
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Georgie: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Confident Eaters Podcast, where you get proven methods to end overeating, emotional eating, and stressing about food. We are heading for harmony between your body, food and feelings, hosted by me, Georgie Fear, and my team at Confident Eaters.

Hello, welcome back to the Confident Eaters podcast. I'm here with Christina and we often hear from our clients that body and weight have been a topic of conversation from the time they were little kids. Your body and weight may have been criticized, policed, praised, scrutinized, shamed, or complimented, sometimes in one confusing mixture of contradictions.

Christina: It doesn't stop when we grow up either. Your personal trainer, doctor, friends, or spouse might say something about your weight, especially if it has gone up or down recently. Receiving critical [00:01:00] comments about our bodies can be annoying, discouraging, and damaging to our overall health and well being. This I'm sure is not news.

And if someone tells us something positive about our body or appearance, it can feel really good. Like, amazing. If your blind date says, wow, you're a knockout, most of us would smile ear to ear.

Georgie: But is it as simple as people saying negative things about our bodies makes us feel bad and saying positive things makes us feel good? Not quite. While, I do think when it comes to appearance, if you don't have something nice to say, don't say anything at all is a great place to begin. I feel like that's fairly obvious. I think everybody listening to the show, Christina already knows we don't call people fat. We don't comment when they've gained weight. Like that's one on one level. Don't be a jerk. What's possible to maybe not know is that sometimes giving someone a compliment, like you've lost weight. You look fantastic now, can feel like an insinuation that the person was [00:02:00] unattractive before. And also a cat call on the street, for example, may be, on the surface, a compliment, hey sexy, but that could make somebody feel really unsafe.

Christina: Negative comments also don't always make a person feel bad. They might bring a sense of rebellious pride. Damn right I don't fit into your standard of beauty. Or even amusement. Wow, look how uncomfortable a woman with muscles makes you.

Georgie: Right, I would love to feel that way the next time somebody says something disparaging to me. I hope I have the strength to come up with something that, bold.

Christina: Right, in the moment, exactly.

Georgie: Yeah, the one time that somebody like overtly said, Aren't your thighs a little too big to be a dietician? I boldly went into another room, closed the door and burst into tears.

So you never know if you'll be able to pull it out in the moment. But I've replayed that scene like dozens of times since then. And I have much, much better responses in my replays. You [00:03:00] can't always predict if what you say will come across unintentionally in a different form. If you aren't aware, you can actually make someone feel awful when you're trying to lift them up. To help you avoid that mistake, we've put together some expert tips on body talk and compliments. First, we'll talk about some tips on giving compliments to other people. And then the second part of the episode, we'll talk about how to be on the receiving end if somebody's giving you compliments or criticism or just generally talking about your body.

Christina: First, we want you to remember that not everyone wants to be slim, slender, or skinny. Some people might feel hurt if you call them a skinny mini. Some people might aspire to become more muscular or more curvaceous. And calling them thin or skinny could remind them of an attribute of their shape that they don't like.

It can feel like an insult to be called a stick, but that doesn't stop some people, so don't be one of them.

Georgie: I have actually been called that [00:04:00] as in, Oh, well, you can eat whatever you want. You're a stick. And it's really not a good feeling. It feels very dismissive. Like who wants to be a stick?

I've also been called a beast many times by people on my sports team. And my inner dialogue is like, It was a compliment.

It was a compliment. They're not calling you ugly because when somebody says you're a beast, Georgie, the first thing my brain is like, yeah, of beauty and the beast, you're totally the beast.

Christina: Dang, I think I've said that to you. I have to keep that in mind.

Georgie: It's a compliment. Like I remind myself of that. People say it in a lot of athletic scenarios. If somebody is like lifting weights or working hard, like, Oh, you're a beast. But I'm always like, they're trying to be nice. They're trying to be nice. They're not calling you ugly. Cause my brain just goes ugly.

Second tip, have you lost weight is a very risky question to ask. I'm not saying never, ever, ever ask it, but definitely think twice about how well you know this person. If you don't know them very well, or you've been out of touch lately, I would hold back. [00:05:00] Here's why. Let's say the answer is no, they haven't lost weight. Then they might feel like, are you saying I should lose weight? If the answer is yes, and they did lose weight on purpose, the person might conclude, well, my results must not be that noticeable since you had to ask. But what if this person lost weight, unintentionally due to depression, grief, or cancer. Your question, intended to make them feel better, might actually stab in their minds like a painful thorn. Oh god, people can see I'm not well. I look so sickly that people are now commenting. Great. I'm a walking depression billboard.

Christina: Also, whether the answer is yes or no, some people will feel like this is an invasion of their privacy to ask about their weight. It can feel objectifying to the person when those comments are made. The message is that it's important to look a certain way, and it can set the expectation that every time you see each other, you'll be checking out their [00:06:00] body to see if their dimensions have changed.

Nobody wants that.

Georgie: No way.

Christina: I'd say, yeah, it's best to keep your curiosity to yourself. If this question enters your mind, go ahead and wonder if someone's lost or gained weight, but in general, resist the urge to ask. It's really not a need to know piece of data anyway.

Georgie: It can also be fairly risky to say, You look great, you're so slim! I mean, clearly this is intended as a compliment, but if that person is battling an eating disorder, or is at risk for developing one, imagine the effect this could have. I've worked with many people who received ample praise for losing weight, which only encouraged them to push harder and harder for more weight loss to earn more praise. Personally, my disordered eating was sparked and strengthened by body talk, both the negative and the positive type. I had heard that I was too heavy and had big legs from the time I was eight. This made me really self conscious. One year, I remember that I bought a new outfit [00:07:00] for the first day of school.

Instead of my usual baggy jeans, I had a more fitted pair of black pants. The teacher who passed me in the hallway said, Oh, looks like you have been chasing a lot of soccer balls over the summer. You look good. And I was hooked. I hadn't actually done anything different. I hadn't lost an ounce. I was simply wearing clothes that were cut differently than the usual baggy ones that I was wearing at that age. But right then, my exercise addiction was born because I wanted more people to notice me like that. I wanted more people to say, wow, you look athletic. You look good. I don't blame the teacher or the comment, because I know the seeds that grew into my disorder were planted long before that day due to my upbringing, but it didn't help me. The buzz that an appearance based compliment gives someone who is starved for affection cannot be overstated. And for young people who are still developing their self concept, their concern with appearance can become all encompassing if that's the main source of praise they hear.

Christina: [00:08:00] That leads us right into tip number three. Instead of talking specifically about someone's body size or weight, it's a much better experience for everyone. If you say, Hey, You look great, or you look beautiful, or you look handsome, or I love blank, which might be I love your shirt. I love your hair. I love your smile.

None of these are about being thin or not thin or the right or wrong shape. They don't pry into anybody's personal business. They are straightforward ways to tell someone you noticed that today they're looking particularly good. However, we want to caution that if you only ever compliment people on their appearance, you may be setting up a less than ideal dynamic. In other words, the things you choose to say out loud are the things you are implying are most important and worthy of being said. Talking about people's appearances is like casting a social vote that appearance is the most important thing about a person.

Georgie: [00:09:00] If you feel that the most important thing about a person is their appearance or how good looking they are, by all means, talk about that. But, of course, most of us actually value other things, like someone's honesty in calling you out on your bad decisions, or their reliability, their positive spirit, their trustworthiness, their thoughtful nature. We encourage you to say these things as often, if not more often, than complimenting their looks. Yes, I think we'd all like to hear that we look good, but the impact of that can be insignificant compared to how good it feels when someone recognizes something truly beautiful about who you are. I knew I had heard a quote on this, and I looked it up, and it's John Mayer in a 2017 tweet. If you're pretty, you're pretty, but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it's just congratulations about your face.

Christina: Nice. John Mayer really has a way with words. And yeah, one of my clients recently started [00:10:00] working with me and he's struggled with his weight for the last several years. it started with a surgery he needed and less activity available to him. COVID. I think a lot of people that we talked to had weight fluctuations during COVID.

And some of this client's closest relationships are ones whose comments have been the most harmful for him. When he loses weight, his partner seems to shower him with comments about how great he looks. When his weight has gone up, she demeans him and criticizes him and can turn into the food police.

This unfortunately, it's been a stumbling block for him on his health journey. It can help to give generous interpretations of these comments as well. Many people might mean well and want to encourage you. It could also be that the person making the comment is actually insecure themselves. I think that's often the case.

Georgie: Yeah,

Christina: one of my clients, when he lost weight, his partner would even become jealous of him because of her own struggles with managing her weight. [00:11:00] Her judgments. Though, hurtful to him, actually had a lot more to do with what was going on with her own self worth.

Georgie: ooh, partner jealousy can be a bitter topic. One partner is often more successful than the other if two people join a weight loss effort at the same time. And that can cause the partner to become jealous of the one that's more successful or hits their goal with seemingly more ease. It's also common that one partner who struggles with their weight is with somebody who actually never struggled with their weight.

And so they don't really understand what it's like to have stress over what foods to keep in the house or what to eat for dinner. One person Many of the women that I've worked with have been partnered with somebody who is much more active than they were. And if you have your husband sitting down and eating two bowls of ice cream every night, and you're trying to really keep an eye on your treat budget, it can feel difficult at best.

And for some people, it really does turn into jealousy. So [00:12:00] in terms of advice for that one, it's really all about how we can help our clients with receiving the That because you definitely we can't undo our clients partners jealousy, and we can't control what people will say. So. What we often coach our clients to do is to try and communicate and it's difficult to generalize this for a podcast audience, but some people may benefit from saying to their partner, honey, I understand that you're having a harder time than I am having. But I still don't want you to blank if that person's, you know, like leaving Oreos in your breakfast cereal or something.

Christina: Sabotage.

Georgie: if you're being overly sabotaged, it's time to have a chat about that. And also if you are having an easier time and you think your partner might be jealous of you, like, Being soft and gentle around that, not rubbing it in their face, not dancing around the kitchen and going, yeah, I get to buy smaller pants again. Cause your partner may not feel too great about themselves if you're [00:13:00] flaunting your weight loss really overtly.

Christina: doesn't have to be like a competitive spirit. It can be a supportive environment. And I think we've talked about that on other episodes.

Georgie: Yeah.

Christina: And, if not, we should talk about it more, but maybe you're like one of my other clients. When you receive these comments, it can actually have an impact on your behavior.

When we discussed these challenges, he was having with other people's comments. He reflected On some of the sabotaging thoughts that would come up for him after having someone comment about his body. When he received positive feedback, he would feel encouraged at first. But then you would think things like, I've been doing really well. I deserve to cut myself some slack. I deserve a little treat. I don't have to work so hard, which would lead to getting back into some more unhelpful behaviors. When hearing negative feedback, he would feel embarrassed and ashamed, thinking things like, This is never going to work. I might as well quit. Or on the other [00:14:00] hand, I need to restrict now. I need to be harder on myself. I need to skip meals and work out harder.

And these thoughts don't come from a place of support or self compassion, but rather shame and self criticism and unworthiness.

Georgie: I've seen that in my clients too. It seems almost like body talk can be a two edged sword. Where people giving people body compliments can throw them off from doing their healthy habits and people giving them body criticism can throw them off from doing their healthy habits. And I see it sort of the same way that we see people interact with the bathroom scale. If it's up. You feel like I'm doing so terribly that I might as well quit. And so you may eat unhealthfully. And if it's down, you think I'm doing so great, I can take a break. And so you eat unhealthfully. So definitely we all are challenged with how we interpret not only the numbers that we get from a scale, but also the, Reactions that we get from other people. And do we use them to encourage us forward to motivate us and [00:15:00] build ourselves up? Or do we use them to tear ourselves down? And. Incapacitate ourselves,

Christina: what I've seen from clients, is like, Both sides of the compliments or criticism seems to have more of a negative effect than a positive effect. Even if the intention is not to cause harm. So another one of my clients receives actually a lot of compliments for her figure and her appearance.

And she really struggles with her body image. She actually used to really like to receive these compliments, but with the work we've been doing together. We've been talking more about like, what does it look like to improve your body image? She recognized that, there's so much attention being drawn to her appearance, that she actually felt that there was this like pressure to maintain this perfect physique and that developed into a fear of gaining fat.

And she was feeling even worse about her body than if nobody said anything. She imagined herself feeling really calm and content [00:16:00] because, yeah, she just had a lot of people paying more attention to her appearance. And it felt like, from what she described, people were judging her.

They were objectifying her. It felt like that was the most important thing for them to bring up to her. And, yeah, she described that experience as being really negative, even though it was compliments. So,

Georgie: Imagine being like a celebrity and you're known for your rear end or your legs or your body, like, let's say you're a model, like, literally you're known for your body. I can only imagine how uncomfortable that can be if people are putting pressure on you, or you feel a perceived pressure to never go downhill, to never age, to never change, to, you know. That's rough.

Christina: yeah, you know, some people have careers where their physique is literally their job. Like their ability to maintain work, models, actresses, actors, I think it's shifting a little bit. The industries, but still, it's like, that is a pressure that, you know, [00:17:00] I'm glad that I don't have to experience.

Georgie: I know, you know, when I look in the mirror and I think, God, I look nothing like a model, my now self edifying response is and she couldn't do my job either.

Christina: Hmm, there you go. and, just getting back to this specific client and, and other clients who feel like these compliments are actually causing more harm than good,

Georgie: Yeah.

Where did you go with that? Where did you

Christina: yeah, she, she reflected some more and really expressed that she wants to be free to be herself. She wants people to see her as more than just a beautiful figure.

She didn't really want that attention anymore. You know, objectively, most people might think, Hey, yeah, I like, I like that kind of attention. But for her, when she really stripped everything away, she realized that even compliments can be an unfortunate reminder that others are just evaluating her based on her appearance.

And, if you're listening and you experienced that as well. You might have noticed that it can lead you to putting a greater focus on [00:18:00] how you look, and it can increase those body checking behaviors like weighing yourself or pinching your body fat or looking in the mirror obsessively to see if anything's changed.

And that can actually lead to a more negative self image.

Georgie: Definitely. And I think it's somewhat circular. Like when we're obsessed with our bodies and we're checking them, then other people can pick up on the vibes that we are attention focused for better or for worse. They, if. This person you're describing looks fantastic and she's done her hair and chosen clothes that accentuate her fabulousness. And if that's what she's focused on, the odds are that other people are going to pick up on it as well. But I also think that that gives us a opportunity to pivot. And so when I talk with people about not wanting to be so hung up on their appearances, we talk about what else do you want to be known for? When somebody describes you, do we want them to say, Oh, that's Mary. God, she's a knockout. Got a body like a Barbie doll. Or do you want them to say, Oh, do you know Mary? She's that person that always has your [00:19:00] back. If you don't have something that you need at practice, she's got it for you. If you call her and you're stranded at the airport, she would get in the car and go to you.

Like Mary is such a good friend. Like, think about what you would want people to know about you and then take that and project it to the world like you're playing a slideshow in the sense that you can think about what are your great qualities. Like, if you have a great sense of humor, like, go out there and make people laugh, like, really let it shine and people, not only will they begin to notice things about you, hopefully, other than your parents, but you will start to notice and appreciate that about yourself too. Because I also remind myself, we're all getting older. We're all gonna look like old people. So, you know, methods and procedures and whatever things people do to slow that process. I think it's all going the same. We're all going the same direction. We're gonna be old and wrinkled. And I find that my clients that have a lot of pride and concern with their appearance are really devastated by that eventuality. [00:20:00] You're like, Oh, I can't deal with the fact that one day I'm not going to look like this, this young. And I think it eases that process when you think like, yeah, I am going to start to look more like an older person, but I've got a personality. I've got a sense of humor. I've got sharp wit.

I've got creativity. I've got this wonderful supportive social circle. And then you start to see all these wonderful other aspects to yourself. And that can really help appearance fall into like, Oh, Just one more category. I've been listening to a book this month on audible and it's it's about the LA Lakers.

It's a sports book. But one thing I noticed when they're talking about basketball players is that they quote the height of every player, even though it's not pertinent to the things that they're talking about. So they're like, Oh, so they decided to trade this player for six, six center from Dallas, so and so.

And. Then they would talk about another player and, Oh, he's six, five guard from this team. You can tell I don't know [00:21:00] basketball from this team. I was like, it's just so strange that every time they say someone's name, they drop their height and it's so arbitrary. And I was imagining like this sort of dystopian, you know, hell where they introduce all of us, like. with our body size or weight. And so he got to know his new neighbor, Georgie, who is a size blank. And they walked down the hall and saw, I don't know. And yeah, it's just as arbitrary to think about displaying our weight or our height or those stats and things. It's, it's so artificial compared to who we really are. And I think that perspective can really help when we receive comments about our body. Cause not everybody who mentions your body may be as sensitive to what's going on. Like sometimes people are satisfying their own curiosity and say, Oh, what diet are you doing? You look so good. And like, well, beg your pardon. Like they haven't [00:22:00] stopped to consider if that's nosy.

But there's some ways that we can. hear these things and protect ourselves against harm. So one of the ones that I think is really important is not to take any sort of body compliment as pressure. It's not pressure to stay that way or never change or to top this in the future.

Just take it as a snapshot in time. If someone compliments your appearance, Awesome. Say thanks. Don't let it derail you. Don't create self imposed pressure. And if somebody makes a negative comment, there's no reason to let that drive you into some extreme behavior, or feel like you have to change. That person has simply expressed their opinion, their viewpoint on one given day, and it's not any more valuable than anybody else's, and it's definitely not more valuable than your own.

Christina: Such a good point. And if you're wanting some practical tips for the next [00:23:00] time someone makes a comment about your appearance in order to develop that inner resilience that doesn't have to be swayed by these opinions of others, then we have some reflection questions for you to use when you receive those comments about your body.

So let's say someone makes either a negative or a positive body comment because as we've shown and seen with our clients, they kind of have the same impact in the end the same process would apply to both of them. So think about the situation. Who was there? When did it happen? Where were you?

What was said? And then think about your immediate response. What were you feeling? What thoughts were you having? What behaviors followed? And then think about it over time. What were your thoughts, feelings, and emotions then? Perhaps you thought about the comment and really began to internalize it or start to judge yourself.

Maybe you started restricting food or [00:24:00] weighed yourself more frequently. And now think about how you would like to feel, what thoughts you would like to have, and what behaviors you would prefer to do if the situation happens again.

Georgie: You also can consider, does this person have an agenda? Or, does this person obviously have an emotional state that is impacting what they say? If you're in the middle of having an argument with your boyfriend and he turns around and calls you fat, this may be a spur of the moment, temper related thing, not

Christina: Words to the wind, as we might say.

Georgie: Exactly. Like, sometimes I hate that the, the word fat is often slung as the first completely unthought about insult at a woman. So yeah if somebody is just being a dick, it may have absolutely nothing to do with you and the fact that they just want to throw an insult at you and they're not very creative.

Christina: hehe.

Georgie: Also you might need to set a boundary if somebody repeatedly makes [00:25:00] comments about your body, positive or negative, and you feel like they're not contributing to your wellness. I find that the negative often is coming from the very close people. I find friendships don't often include a lot of body criticism, because you wouldn't be friends with somebody who did. But if somebody's going to say, oh, you look a little heavy, it's going to be someone in your family nine times out of ten.

Christina: unfortunately,

Georgie: I think. Or your spouse. Or a medical professional, like a doctor that maybe doesn't deliver it in a very clinically helpful way. So if you are receiving those sorts of things, you can talk with that person about what you would like them to do.

It's perfectly okay to say to your family member, Hey, my body's not up for discussion. Pass the potatoes. Or Please don't nag me about my weight. I'm taking very good care of my own health, thanks. You can just let people know that they don't have a right to ask you about anything that you don't want to talk about. Second, if it's your spouse, again the same things apply as with your family. You can let people know that you don't want to talk about [00:26:00] this, that you'd rather handle it on your own, or that it doesn't help you when they try to criticize you, incentivize you, or food police you. Sometimes people have that conversation with their doctor because they feel that doctors are dismissing their, I don't know, respiratory infection or sinus pain and trying to talk to them about losing weight. And so it can be helpful in those situations to say to your doctor, I'm not here to discuss my weight today. I'm here to discuss blank. That said, if your doctor is trying to help you, they may feel that losing weight is pertinent to the health improvements that you want to have. So I'm, you know, definitely not saying that any doctor that brings up your weight deserves to be put in their place, but you can decide based on your own comfort level. Based on the communication style of your doctor and if it's making you uncomfortable or not is a really good thing to monitor when it comes to do you want to change the dynamic of that conversation. Now, if you have friends, most often the [00:27:00] body talk is positive about other people and negative about ourselves. It's usually a group of perfectly healthy normal body size people reassuring each other that they're perfectly fine, but no, I'm actually fat. So if you find that this sort of fat talk, or you're perfect, I'm fat, is coming up in conversations with your buddies, I usually find it's refreshing to change the topic, or if you have one particular friend who starts that line of conversation often, that you can say, gosh, we have way better things to talk about.

Why do we always end up talking about our jean sizes? Or why are we always talking about diets? I'd rather we talked about our dreams and our aspirations and like. What we're going to do with the next year of our lives, as opposed to how we're going to lose these last 10 pounds.

So if that's a change that you want to see in your friendships, you get to, you get to steer, you know, these conversations don't just happen to you. You get to contribute.

We have a [00:28:00] couple related episodes to this topic that you may wanna check out if today's content has interested you. So episode 28 of the Confident Eaters Podcast is called How to Handle Other People Dieting and Talking about it. We also recently recorded an episode called How to Have Honest Conversations About Your Eating Without Excessive Awkwardness And asking people to not give you body compliments or criticism may be one of the ways that you elicit support from the people in your life. Definitely count Christina and I on your team. We've got your back. We will never talk negatively about your body because we think you're awesome. I hope you join us in the next episode and continue taking great care of yourself.