Confident Eaters

The Episode About Boundaries
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Georgie: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Confident Eaters Podcast, where you get proven methods to end overeating, emotional eating, and stressing about food. We are heading for harmony between your body, food and feelings, hosted by me, Georgie Fear, and my team at Confident Eaters.

Christina: My boundaries need work is something you've probably never said or thought. And on today's Confident Eaters podcast episode, that's what we're talking about. If you find yourself ruminating over why you've gained weight over time, you might have some ideas. Maybe you have a stressful job, not enough self discipline, aching knees, which brought your running hobby to a screeching halt, or your genetics. These things are readily pointed out as contributors to weight gain. And they're legitimate. They play a real role. But sometimes, hidden factors like low self esteem and lack of healthy boundaries play a much bigger [00:01:00] role in weight gain than people imagine. Luckily, unlike your genetics, we can improve these with some intentional work, and it contributes to success in permanently losing weight. how would you know if working on boundaries is worthwhile for you personally? Well, we coaches have to make that determination all the time. It's our job to choose the most effective skills for each individual so that they get the most results out of their efforts. What would make us say, I think I should work on boundaries with this client?

It's really going to help them. What do you think, Georgie?

Georgie: Usually, we find this out as we peel back the layers of someone's emotional eating. Let's say Jane is struggling with desserts. The surface layer of understanding might be, Sweets are tasty, that's why I eat them. Which is true, but not all that helpful. If we can look at one deeper layer of understanding, asking Jane about the circumstances when she recently said yes to desserts, we can find some patterns of emotion.

Let's say she was angry, [00:02:00] tired, and frustrated about a work project when somebody brought in bakery goods. Ah, now this is starting to get practical and useful. We can work on handling feelings of anger, fatigue, and frustration without opening the bakery box. But let's say we keep going. One layer deeper of understanding asks, why is she feeling these feelings? And why is she feeling that way seven days a week, not just once in a while?

This my friends is where we can see if boundaries are part of the problem. For example. Jane might be angry because she's doing the majority of work in her household, fatigued from answering emails until 11 p. m. last night, and frustrated because her staff at work continually make careless errors, which she has to fix.

In an ongoing coaching relationship, we can pick up on whether this is an anomaly, or whether it's like that every day, every week, every time we speak to Jane. If it is, we can see boundaries are going to be a tremendously [00:03:00] beneficial area for Jane. But, Jane will not perceive that her boundaries need work.

All she can feel is that she's experiencing a lot of negative, uncomfortable emotions. Life feels way too demanding, and it's causing her to turn to food over and over again. When someone is always too busy to take time for themselves, it's a sign that their boundaries could use some help. When someone rarely or never gets what they want, because they're always going along with what other people want, Their boundaries could use some help.

When eating treat foods is the only act a person does that feels like it's just for them, their boundaries could use some help. When someone is frequently feeling upset, angry, or hurt after their interactions with other people, but they're not effectively communicating or doing something to change that, their boundaries could use some help. If you find yourself engaged in social conversations or events that you do not want to be a part of, eating things you [00:04:00] don't want to eat, or drinking things you don't want to drink, your boundaries could use some help.

Christina: Where do we learn unhealthy boundaries?. Well, we learn them from other people. Sometimes we saw our parents role model working long hours or bringing a computer on holidays, or telling us they couldn't come to our soccer games because they had a board meeting. We might see one parent always getting their way and making demands while the other parent went along with it silently. We may have been in relationships where the other person got bent out of shape when we asked for something, or flew into a rage when we disagreed with them. That's a surefire way to learn to keep things to yourself. Unhealthy boundaries can also be promoted, literally, in the workplace. People who work endless hours may rise to the top of an organization, despite mentally suffering and harming their family connection. People who have healthy boundaries and express their thoughts and opinions may be criticized as lazy, complainers, or not pulling their weight. Lastly, if we are treated [00:05:00] by anyone in life as if we are not valuable, we can compensate by trying to overwork and people please, thirsty for acceptance and praise from outside sources. People pleasing and healthy boundaries do not go together. If you're getting the idea that adjusting how and where you set boundaries might benefit your eating, physical and mental health, next we're going to give you some ideas for concrete practices you can take on as homework.

Georgie: Just like anything, the ability to set and defend healthy boundaries is something we need to practice. So expect all of these things to feel very difficult initially, but the more you practice them, the more you gain some experience, the more reps you get, the better it gets. expect that at first you're going to feel like a beginner because you might be a beginner and that's okay. Idea number one Share your opinion once per day positive opinions are definitely easier to share than others So start there, but the idea is to progress to sharing the full range [00:06:00] of your opinions. Some of your opinions are bound to be positive, some will be neutral, and some will be negative It does not make you a complainer or negative if you have a full range of opinions. It's crucial to be able to speak up when you don't want to do something or go somewhere, or when you don't like something and want to leave or stop. Here are some examples of sharing your opinion.

Some of them are positive, some neutral, some negative. I love this! I really enjoyed that movie. This food is delicious. I thought it was okay. Not amazing, but not terrible. I think I would have made it a little spicier. I'd rather go somewhere else. Maybe Italian? It upset me when blank. My feelings were hurt when blank.

I don't like it when blank. Do you think we could go but agree not to stay too late? I want to get out of here. The main resistance that you can expect when you practice this is that something in your brain is [00:07:00] going to say, don't be a whiner or a complainer, or perhaps don't be difficult. Or maybe you will think I'm just easy to get along with and I like that. It's wonderful that you are considerate of how your actions and words impact other people, but it's absolutely non negotiable to stay aware of how your words and actions affect you. Often that second area is where somebody can lack awareness, and often there is some denial. For example, if your co worker suggests sushi for lunch, and you think, you know, Well, I want them to have what they want, so I'll agree, but I don't really like sushi.

It might not even cross your mind that what this actually is saying is, it's important that other people have what they enjoy eating for lunch, but it doesn't matter if I have what I enjoy eating for lunch. My desires are less important than other people's. Thinking or telling yourself that you're fine with it may or may not be total bullshit.

I always used to think I was [00:08:00] easygoing and it was a point of pride that I would do what other people wanted. I just thought that was how I had to be to be liked, accepted, or to have a boyfriend. But looking back now, I was a doormat. A disgruntled doormat who couldn't wait to get home and just eat what I wanted. A doormat who was tense and anxiety riddled the majority of the time because I was constantly doing things I didn't want to, with people I didn't want to be around, saying yes, smiling, and telling myself everything's fine. I was uncomfortable in my life, and I began to isolate from other people entirely.

I thought maybe I just don't like people. I like being alone. But the truth was, I didn't like being a doormat for others. And I had put myself in that role. I needed to learn how to actually participate in relationships and social time with other people instead of just going along, somewhat grumpy all the time, but trying to be agreeable.

Christina: I can definitely relate to that. Putting myself in a position and then [00:09:00] being resentful towards the people for not setting boundaries. So, I think that a lot of people will relate to that. So the second idea we have for you to practice setting boundaries is to voice and attend to your physical comfort. This can seem like a really minor thing, but many people, Georgie and I work with are in the habit of just overriding and toughing out little discomforts during the day. Sometimes all day long. Things like being thirsty, being tired, having a backache. Being hungry, being cold, being hot. Now, I realize you can't just call out of work or stop your responsibilities to lay on the couch every time you have something minor like a paper cut, and many of us feel tired often, but can't just take a nap in the middle of the workday. However, you do have some options, and it's a great practice to get in the habit of using those options. For example, when you notice that you're thirsty, get water now, not later. When you notice you need to use the bathroom, [00:10:00] same. As soon as you have the chance, go. Putting it off to answer one more email, then one more meeting, then make some copies often means being uncomfortable for a length of time for no reason. I think we see this with clients with putting off their meals as well, and it leads to ravenous hunger and overeating. So there's a reason why we need to attend to these needs. When you notice that you're hot, cold, or have a rock in your shoe, same. If you're in a group running, biking, or walking too fast, ask them to ease up on the pace, or let them know that you're going to slow down for a bit, but to go ahead. If someone else is sharing a space and you're a bit uncomfortable, say something. I'm chilly. Would you mind if I close the window or turn down the AC? The sound is a little bit loud for me. Would you mind turning it down? Could we stop at a gas station so I can buy a drink?

Georgie: I never used to say any of those things because if I was with somebody else, I wasn't comfortable asking them to [00:11:00] wait a minute for me to fish that rock out of my hiking boot or make an extra stop so I could buy a bottle of water. And what I've learned over time is nobody really minds. And if somebody actually says no, like, No, I'm not stopping so you can get a drink.

I don't want to wait for you. That's a huge red flag. Having healthy boundaries often means saying no. First, you need to decide what you want, which can take some thinking. Where you place your boundaries is a personal decision, and remember that you can move them over time. But, for starters, you have to come up with something where you want to set your boundary for today.

Consider, how do you want to manage late night emails, calls, or texts from work? What about if it's friends? Are your boundaries the same or different? Are there some topics that you don't want to discuss with certain people? For example, your dating life might be out of bounds for a conversation with a client, and your feelings about recreational marijuana use are not something you [00:12:00] have to explain to your grandmother.

It's okay to say, I don't want to get into that, or I'd prefer to keep that personal. How about the hours that you give to work? If you don't have any boundaries, some jobs will take up all the time you are willing to give, and you could find yourself working early mornings, late into the evenings, and on weekends.

Christina: And it's important when you're stating a boundary, do not be wishy washy. Not wanting to is a good enough reason to decline something. Remember, you don't owe any excuse if you don't want to provide one. I know that I've shared this example before on a podcast, but When I was doing one of those like auto responses on a phone call and they asked, would you mind taking a survey at the end of this? And I didn't want to, but I just said, sure. But obviously that's not an answer that they accept. It's either yes or no. And that was definitely a wake up call for me about that. How wishy washy I can be even with this automated message,

Georgie: Fine. Sure.

Christina: [00:13:00] Some responses that you might use in your own life would be, I don't respond to emails after whatever time you decide. It's better than it might be better to email me earlier. If it's no trouble. Here are other examples with no wishy washiness, no wiggle room. I don't drink during the week. I don't want to talk about politics. My social life is none of your business. My diet, my body, my health is not something I want to discuss. Let's talk about something else. I don't find that funny. We do not reschedule no shows. I'm not available that week. We have to look at the following week. I'm on vacation that week, so it'll have to be the following Monday. I've already committed to my limit of projects, so I have to decline. I'm not going to do that, but I could blank. I have to say no this time, but I hope to make it to the next one.

Georgie: These are great because sometimes when people set boundaries or are attempting to say no, it comes [00:14:00] out sort of flaky and undecided. Like, I'm not really sure when they're trying to say no. And if you say I'm not sure, many times the person who's making the request of you will just push harder. It's really important.

We're shorthanded. We really need you. And while that might be true, you're still allowed to say no.

Christina: Such a good point. Right,

Georgie: all those examples are better than I don't think so. I don't know. I'm not sure. Or, ah, that's a tough week for me. consider using polite vagueness if you need to defend a boundary around something that you want to keep personal, it sounds like this. I don't want to get into the details, but I really need to be there for my wife while she's going through something, or I'm going through a difficult time or having health issues or need to reduce my commitments.

These are great examples because they don't get into your personal history, somebody else's medical issues, or risk stumbling into TMI territory. [00:15:00] It's okay to say, I'm going through a difficult time. And most socially savvy people will be understanding that what you're saying is, don't ask me any more details.

Christina: right.

Georgie: You can also say, I'd rather focus on you. If somebody asks you a nosy question.

Christina: So we have a few assignments for you to do this week, just like if you are one of our clients. First, we mentioned stating an opinion every day. Second, be responsive to your own physical comfort. Bonus points for speaking up. Next, set a specific boundary or say no at least once this week. It's okay to do it in writing. Next, make a reasonable request. Practice saying no. If you are one of our clients and want to work on this specifically, what we can do is send you one of these example texts and you can practice saying no to them.

Here are some that we've used in the past. Can we go to Susie's party on Sunday? Would you feed my hamster while I'm away? Can you bake a dozen brownies by tomorrow for the church [00:16:00] picnic? Will you please come to a conference in Antarctica and give a speech? For free, of course. Can you hand knit me an alpaca Christmas sweater? What do you think of going sledding with the neighbor's kids for eight hours on Saturday?

Georgie: I love how they just get more and more ridiculous.

Christina: Yeah, because we need that practice of saying no. So if you want some help with that, we will practice with you. Our next suggestion is to ask others for an adjustment. We live our lives interacting with others a great deal, yet sometimes people with boundary challenges avoid asking other people for anything. Being pathologically independent means you don't ever get help from others, even when you really need it, because you're unwilling to ask. You also might be unwilling to recognize when you could use help, prone to think, I can handle this myself, and you might even not know what you need help with, which definitely happens.

So practicing this will help with that as well. And while it might be true that you can handle things on [00:17:00] your own, life is easier to manage when your partner, family, kids, or friends can lend a hand. You don't have to do everything yourself. And the stress of trying to can be one of the contributing factors to depression, anxiety, and eating troubles. So how do we help clients ask for adjustments? Georgie?

Georgie: I try to teach people when you're asking for help or for somebody to make an adjustment to their behavior. There's a three part recipe. So before asking, this is not one of the three, you need to make up your mind on what specific change you would like. And that may sound obvious, but sometimes it's like, Oh, I just, I need help with this global thing, like running the house or parenting and like, just asking somebody, Hey, can you pitch in a little more is so nonspecific, that it is unlikely to be helpful. So, a good one might be, could you pick up the kids Tuesday after school?

Or could you open that door for me? Not so good examples would be, can you do your share around here? Or [00:18:00] can you step up a little more? So the three part recipe. First, and this one is sort of optional. Express concern over the person that you're asking and their convenience, enjoyment, or freedom. So it might be, I know you're on vacation and want to relax as much as you can.

Or, I don't want to ruin your enjoyment of the movie. Honestly, this is something that makes it easier for us to ask because we feel nicer making a request that includes niceties and sounds anything but demanding. So it helps to feel like you're making a super considerate request. after you do that, you can mention that you're struggling or being negatively affected by the current situation.

That might sound like, I'm getting a headache, or feeling cold, or getting sprinkled with sand every time you kick the ball. And then you can move to the third piece, which is asking for a specific thing. Making a reasonable request might be turning down the volume, closing the [00:19:00] window, or taking the beach soccer game just a few feet further down the beach.

People generally like giving help and will respond positively to reasonable requests. So putting it all together would result in, I don't want to make your day too crazy. that's the considerate part. But I can't find a way to pick up the dog from daycare before they close and I'm ready to pull my hair out. Mentioning what you're struggling with. And third, could you pick her up at five? Asking a specific request. Bear in mind, it's reasonable to ask other people to do small things to help you out.

Often, we're in a situation that's much harder than the other person. For example, when I broke my hand a few years ago, somebody was trying to open a door for me, and I was like no, no, no, I'll get it. Despite the fact that my one good arm was full of stuff. It's very little effort for somebody with two hands to open the door for you, so just let somebody do it.

So, you know, refusing help? is actually somewhat of a threat to relationships because people can [00:20:00] read into things like, oh, they don't trust me. They don't want my help. Giving and receiving help, like loaning somebody your clothes or borrowing their bike, makes a friendship stronger. It builds trust.

Letting people help you is actually one of the best ways to have them like you more. Research studies show that You might think that when we help somebody they would like us more, but actually it works the other way. The people that we help are the people that we end up liking more afterward. Not making reasonable requests because you're afraid of being a princess or a complainer is a sign of something amiss.

It may have been the case that in your past, reasonable requests were treated with criticism, like, don't be a princess or don't be a complainer, and that can cause you to begin to feel negatively about making even very reasonable requests, like, hey, can I stop and get the rock out of my shoe? So consider that you may have been imprinted in the past with the idea that all of your needs, all of your [00:21:00] wants were ridiculous, and that's absolutely not the case.

Christina: actually had a conversation with the client just the other day who is practicing this and he was completely shut down when he made a simple, you know, reasonable

request. And after debriefing with him, he was like, in the past, you know, I've heard this so many times I've been shut down so many times, it's very easy to just be like, Oh, that didn't work.

Moving on. that go back to the status quo, but he recognized that it is worth it. He felt better even just sharing his opinion or asking a request. And it's that practice that I think that's going to stick with it. But yeah, certainly there are going to be people who will resist the fact that you're trying to set boundaries with them. It's come up with several different clients. So like Georgie said at the beginning, it's going to take some practice to strengthen your boundary muscles to stick to your boundaries, especially if you have struggled to do [00:22:00] this in the past. Don't lose heart if it's hard at first and you feel like, oh man, I better go back to not rocking the boat. You are going to get better with practice and patience. And once you get better at boundaries, it helps you show up more authentically in the world. It helps you show yourself more respect and for others to respect you more. And like Georgie just said, it allows you to connect with people better because you're participating more in relationships, rather than just going along with what everyone else wants and then resenting them for it later. This also allows you to say yes and no and truly mean it. It also helps you to have greater capacity for taking care of yourself, since you're not over committing to things that you don't have time for.

Georgie: Oh my God, that's so huge. That's so huge.

Christina: Just preaching to the choir here, okay? Like, this is something, yeah, I think we've both had to work on personally. There's probably a lot more that we could say about boundaries and setting them and defending them like you mentioned [00:23:00] earlier. But we hope that this has at least given you a good starting place to practice.

Georgie: Do you know what the request was that your client made that got resisted?

Christina: Yeah, it's a Their daughter is getting married and he wanted to invite some people that are important to him. And the guest list, his wife was like, no, this, the guest list is too long. But then there were people who were saying no, as happens when you invite people and some people can't show up. So he brought it up again, like, oh, there's people that are not coming.

And you know, can I invite these people who are important to me? And she said,

Georgie: Right.

It's tricky because sometimes our requests are going to conflict with other people's boundaries. So in that extent, like, I don't know your client or his friends or his wife, but just filling in the imaginary situation, let's say he wanted to invite his friend and the wife had a boundary that nobody that smokes can be around their [00:24:00] children.

Christina: Sure.

Georgie: That's something where like, you guys need to talk like You know, your boundaries are not more important than her boundaries and nobody's desires are more important than anyone else's desires. So that's exactly what comes out of these things. When we do have a request that doesn't work with our boundaries or vice versa, it's an opportunity to have a conversation.

And a lot times if we converse, we can start to understand what the other person, where they're coming from, why they feel so strongly about a particular thing. And a lot of times, there's another solution or alternative other than the specific request that we made. If somebody asks you to do something, one of the strategies that I utilize often and recommend to my clients often is counter offering.

Like, hey, Georgie, what do about sushi? I don't love sushi. I'd be like, hmm, counteroffer. How about Thai? Mm hmm. Just counter offer a different

Christina: Mm hmm.

Georgie: thing. Or well, I can't donate money, but I could stand at your table for 30 minutes, volunteer or something. So, I hope this episode gave you some great ideas for ways that you might [00:25:00] question how well you set boundaries in your own life and in small steps, if setting firmer boundaries or more clear boundaries could help you have more ease in life, more stable and positive emotions, and in the long run, impact your eating and health for the better. Thank you for listening and giving us your time. We really value it. If you have the ability to leave a five star rating or review, we also would really appreciate those as they help us grow the show.

We'll see you in the next episode.