Confident Eaters

Georgie: [00:00:00] Welcome to the Confident Eaters Podcast, where you get proven methods to end overeating, emotional eating, and stressing about food. We are heading for harmony between your body, food and feelings, hosted by me, Georgie Fear, and my team at Confident Eaters.

I haven't seen these people in a while. What are they going to think? I look different. This is a really common worry, whether you're getting together with people for a school reunion or just more holiday gatherings. I'm with coach Christina, and we're going to talk about how we help people through this and some pointers for what to do if you're a little bit uneasy about seeing people that you haven't seen in a while, knowing that your appearance is a little different.

Christina: Georgie, I'm really excited about this topic because I think it is something that comes up on both sides of the spectrum when someone's trying to [00:01:00] manage their weight that can cause a lot of distress. More often than not, I'm hearing from clients that are comparing themselves after having gained weight and feeling frustrated and self critical and worried about the judgment from others when they're going to see them after they haven't for a long time and have gained some weight.

People say that they feel embarrassed and They want to see these people, but there's a little bit of anxiety or nervousness around situations where seeing somebody after a while, their body has changed. So I just wondered what words of wisdom you might have to say to someone who has this experience, whether coming up, we have some holidays coming up or just anticipating. I'm going to see somebody and I don't look the same.

Georgie: Mhmm...

Christina: I'm worried.

Georgie: Yeah. That is, it is a good point. Like around the holidays, there's a lot of seeing people maybe we haven't seen in a year or more. I think that was a big thing that a lot of people went through after COVID was like, we're re emerging into the world [00:02:00] after, a year plus of not socializing and staying indoors.

So I think a lot of times the discomfort that we feel about seeing people and not being completely comfortable with our appearance is reflective of how we feel about the changes in our appearance compared to last time. No surprises there, right? Like, that's not

Christina: yeah,

Georgie: earth shattering. But that also means that you're in a position where you have a lot of control to help yourself feel better and manage this situation.

So some of the things which I think can be helpful reminders include that everybody's appearance is always changing. Sometimes it's changing faster. Sometimes it's changing slower, but given enough time, we all look pretty different. it's actually unusual when we run into somebody and we haven't seen them in a while and they look just the same.

Christina: Mhmm

Georgie: That's sort of unusual. We sort of expect, or at least Realistically, we should expect that some people will have different haircuts. Some people will be heavier or lighter. Some people may have more gray hair. Some people may [00:03:00] have undergone surgery and have a dramatically different appearance. Some people can even go from presenting as one gender to another gender.

There's all sorts of changes in how somebody can appear on the outside. And usually the most common things that people worry about five to ten pounds of body weight may not even be noticeable in the grand scheme of things. So I think that is helpful just as a background reassuring fact to remind yourself that we're all changing appearance all the time.

Furthermore, I would think it's helpful to review why you're getting together with these people to see them. It's not so we can, like, show up, take selfies with our phones, snap photos of each other, and leave. We're not just showing up to take in people's looks, we're showing to catch up, to find out how has your year been, how was the job you started last year, how are your kids, you know, we want to hear how they are as people.

So while Appearance may be on our minds for like the first 10 seconds as we're doing the approach from across the party or restaurant or opening the door. It [00:04:00] rapidly fades as we get into conversation and we get into sharing with people and what's going on in our lives, what's going on in their lives.

I think it's also helpful to remember that appearance may be on our mind for like the first 10 seconds of our interaction, but it's quickly going to decrease after that. Third, I think it can be really helpful if You want to get the topic out in the open, for example, if you feel like your appearance has changed drastically to the point where maybe somebody won't recognize you or where your appearance is so different that you feel comfortable offering some sort of explanation, you might just bring it up right at the beginning.

I know I look pretty different.

Christina: Mm hmm.

Georgie: Just say it. I decided to cut all my hair off or I decided to, X, Y, Z. If you've changed your appearance voluntarily. Similarly, even if it wasn't voluntary, if your weight has changed significantly and you Don't want to just ignore it, which is perfectly your right.

You can just say nothing about it. But if you want to say something, you might say, I know I look different than last time you saw me. The divorce led to some [00:05:00] extra eating and I'm a little cuddlier this year, or however you want to phrase it. I'm always a big fan of using humor

Christina: Mhmm.

Georgie: In uncomfortable situations.

And by bringing it up ourselves. I think we can just instantly deflate worrying if other people have noticed. so that's one tactic that people can try if they want to just bring it up and mention it. And then you can put it aside and talk about more important things, because really your appearance is not the most important thing.

some other ideas that come to mind would be definitely, we don't want to assume things about other people and how their appearance has changed. For example, somebody that has lost weight may not have done it intentionally. They may have had a health issue or depression or anxiety or some other misfortune that you don't know about that led to them losing weight. So I always encourage people to not compliment weight loss.

Christina: Yeah.

Georgie: Because you don't know if somebody has done it intentionally. And there are a thousand more things [00:06:00] that we can compliment people on. Like, I'm really glad to see you. I love your jokes. You always make me laugh. What a great outfit. The appetizer we made was delicious.

Like, there are so many things to talk about. I think we can all like skip right over. You look so thin. What did you do?

Christina: Right. Because you're right. You don't always know what people are going through, and in fact, I've heard you say that someone's appearance or our appearance is the least interesting thing about us. I love that phrase because there are so many other reasons to get together with other people. And I think what I hear you saying is we are probably thinking about it way more than other people are. But I like what you said about. Bringing it up 1st, because if you're feeling like this is an elephant in the room, then you have the opportunity to bring that up and then it's over with and if you're feeling nervous about it, then it's something that you can get out of the way so you can focus on all of the other interesting things about this get together. [00:07:00]

Georgie: Totally. If you need like a mad lib fill in the blank, just all purpose statement. Yeah. I look a little different, but still me.

And I'm so glad to see you. Like done! Appearance topic check. Now we can move on to like other things. I do like to ask people when you've seen somebody after, you know, several years of not seeing them, and they look different, what did you think? And just to see what my client says, because very often people will say, you know, I noticed that she looked a little older, she looked a little grayer, or she looked fantastic, or she looked stressed.

You know, we notice changes in other people's appearance, but we tend to just accept them.

Christina: Mm hmm.

Georgie: And not draw conclusions like she must not be handling the stress of the new job very well.

Christina: Right.

Georgie: That's the sort of interpretation we make about ourselves that we fear other people will say, oh, she must be spending lonely nights at home eating popcorn and Netflix. Like, no, that's not how it works.

Christina: Yeah. We're probably over evaluating that about ourselves and other people are even thinking about [00:08:00] us And if other people are thinking about it, maybe they're not the very best people to be reuniting with.

Maybe they're not real friends or, they just have different values than you do. And that's okay, too.

Georgie: Oh yeah.

Christina: It's a great reminder.

Georgie: I did ask a client once she was saying she hadn't been to the gym for a while and she was worried about going back because she was An insignificant number of pounds heavier, like, like four or five pounds heavier.

And I said, do you really think people will notice? Like, do you think people will be like, wow, so and so is noticeably heavier. And she really surprised me because she said, Oh yeah, I notice. Somebody shows up at the gym and they have gained two pounds. You bet I notice. And I was caught off guard because I hadn't actually run into anybody who was making a full time job out of assessing everyone's diameter at the gym.

But wouldn't, you know, my client floored me. She's like, yes, I noticed somebody gains two pounds. I notice it right away. And so

Christina: interesting

Georgie: [00:09:00] that made me think, well, Maybe I need to be talking with my client, about this. Like, why are you policing everyone's body size?

Christina: Hmm.

Georgie: What interpretations are you drawing? And is that how you want to be seeing the world?

Because undoubtedly one of the cause and effect relationships of policing other people's appearance with a very fine tooth comb is we're going to develop anxiety about our own.

Christina: Totally.

Georgie: I assume everybody else is doing the same to us. I can't recall exactly how the rest of this conversation played out.

I can just remember being like, damn.

Christina: Yeah.

Georgie: Who does that?

Christina: Yeah.

Georgie: But yeah, there is a chance, like if you feel like you're nervous about other people seeing you, maybe that is an opportunity to recognize. Yeah, maybe I am placing too much interpretation upon other people. And if you see somebody else who has gained some weight, if you're assuming negative things about them or that they're struggling or unhappy or unhealthy or any of those things that are 100 percent not safe to assume based on somebody's weight change, maybe you shouldn't be [00:10:00] making those assumptions.

Maybe you can practice lightening up your own interpretation to be something that's more broad and accurate, like. I noticed someone is a different shape or size. Period. End of story.

Christina: Right.

Georgie: Doesn't mean anything.

Christina: Mm hmm. Yeah, I think what I'm hearing you say is noticing is necessarily a wrong thing. It is the judgments about those things might be taking us down a not so helpful mental trail that maybe we could spend time thinking about other things instead.

Georgie: Yeah. You don't want to get all like Sherlock Holmes.

Christina: yeah,

Georgie: this person's doing better at life, has a happy marriage and goes on vacation this many times a year and makes this much money all based on the size of her jeans. Like don't go there.

Christina: Yeah. And, it brings us back to that other point. Just because somebody has lost weight, it's not because it's been intentional. It could be due to an illness or grief or anxiety or depression or all kinds of other things. If we could learn to compliment people on other things besides their body shape and size, which we talk about in our body [00:11:00] image episode, definitely a helpful thing to practice. because when we take that focus off of our body size and shape. We can celebrate so many other wonderful things in life. And we don't have to fall prey to that over evaluation of weight and shape that society wants us to fall prey to.

Georgie: Yeah. I think when we're really uncomfortable about seeing someone and we're worried about our appearance, some of the things that we hear clients say are, I'm worried they'll think I let myself go. I'm disappointed that I let myself get to this point or that I've sunk so low or that I've backtracked so much from my previous weight loss, you know, all of these phrases of letting myself go backtracking, losing ground, gone downhill. You know, they're all emotional. They're all negative and they're all really unnecessarily hurtful.

When it comes to the way that we see ourselves and so I encourage people to think [00:12:00] about where this phrase came from and in my experience when I hear clients say things like I'm worried I've let myself go, I'm worried I'm not keeping up, I'm worried, you know, XYZ. A lot of times those phrases and worries came from their parents.

Christina: Mhmm.

Georgie: So not to get like super Freudian here, but if you grew up with, for example, a mother that was telling you that you needed to mind what you ate so that you stayed attractive and had a good husband. And that was the message that you got over and over and over again, then it makes sense that if you gain weight for whatever reason that you make some assumptions such as this is my fault, this is going to impact my dating prospects.

If I'm still single, this must be why, because it can't possibly be anything else. And all these unhelpful, right? All these unhelpful interpretations. So, you know, personally myself, I have found a lot of these poisonous phrases and ideas [00:13:00] in my own mind that I 100 percent carbon copied, from my parents.

They're things that I heard growing up. And so, one example that I share is serves you right or serves them right. So when something unfortunate happens to somebody, if someone's discussing it and they say it serves them right, that's a sort of unempathetic way of saying that they did something to deserve it.

And I think that's a particularly toxic. Noxious idea, but it impacted me because then when I got injured, became ill, had some misfortune that I had no hand in causing, I assumed serves me right. I did something to cause this. it's the equivalent of like, what was she wearing? So when something bad happens to somebody, I had grown up in this soup of you get what's coming to you.

In other words, you cause misfortune to yourself. So I'm going down a bit of a side trail here, but I think I've let myself go, or I'm disappointed that I've gotten to this point are a couple of the key phrases That my clients say [00:14:00] regarding weight, that we really can just sort of like expunge from our vocabulary.

You haven't let yourself go. Nobody has ever, to my knowledge, gone through a difficult stretch in life and been like, you know, that's it. I'm letting myself go. I'm going to sit on the couch, put my feet up, and just surf. Like, that's not how it works.

Christina: Yeah.

Georgie: You don't just stop trying at life. If anything, we all go through times of struggle, and at certain points, Nutrition and exercise behaviors can fall lower priority to survival, caring for our loved ones, simply putting food on the table, or other more important things.

So, rather than I let myself go, I might reframe that as, I've been prioritizing other things right now.

Christina: Yeah.

Georgie: I've been pursuing other projects than a 26 inch waist.

Christina: Mm hmm. Oh yeah, I've heard that one a number of times and. Such a helpful reframe to say I've been prioritizing different things especially in the era of COVID and these last few years have been super stressful for [00:15:00] people with just that.

But then when dealing with the illness of a loved one or other stressors, loss of a job, whatever it might be, It's just not been your highest priority to have that 26 inch waist and that's okay.

Georgie: Yeah!

Christina: Because there have been bigger crises to deal with. And we could all benefit from that reframe for sure.

Georgie: Yeah, you mentioned the word crisis or crises and I think that's such an important distinction to make. I'm sure you've probably heard clients who want to have no empathy or adjustment or softness for themselves. And so they're like, Oh, I'm stressed, but I've been stressed before.

That's no excuse. Did you ever see that?

Christina: Oh yeah, definitely. As if comparing our stress levels or our suffering to other people's suffering or our own previous suffering, it doesn't mean what we're going through isn't a big deal right now for us and our capacities change from season to season as well. So we gotta consider the big picture here.

Georgie: Yeah. Maybe what you're going through isn't just you [00:16:00] being stressed, but sort of crisis time in your life.

Christina: Mm hmm. Mm hmm. For sure. Yeah, we don't have to have, these arbitrary points of time in our lives where it's like, Oh, well, I'm not where I was 10 years ago or last year,

Georgie: right?

Christina: People are going to notice or I'm noticing

Georgie: or my birthday last year, I weighed this number and this year it's different as if that day, means a whole lot. I have a lot of women who will say like, Oh, when I got married, I was 125 lbs

Christina: oh, that's a common one for sure. Or the size pants.

Georgie: Right. you're always changing, right? To circle back to the other thing that we talked about, you also probably have learned a whole lot of things, shed a whole lot of bad behaviors and immaturity. You have formed new relationships. You have.

gained in wisdom and experience in your professional career, you may have like, so many things are different about you, even if you're not the same exact weight as, you know, the day that you got married. You know, since I was [00:17:00] born, I've gained, like, lots of weight.

I was only eight pounds then, like, we're talking like, more than 100 pounds I've gained.

Christina: Yeah, same.

Georgie: Yeah, we've clearly stopped trying.

Christina: Yeah. Really let ourselves go here.

Georgie: Downhill. Totally. So I guess some of the take home messages are don't conclude anything about other people. Don't read into your own appearance changes as meaning anything substantial about you.

Remember that our appearances are always changing, you know, by nature. We should not look the same when we're 80 as we did when we were 18. That'd be creepy.

Christina: Mhmm

Georgie: And if somebody has, let's say, gained weight since the last time you saw them, they may have lost 20 pounds in the last three months.

Like, this is a snapshot in time. You can't assume anything about, recent history or trajectory or what's going on in someone's life right now. So yeah, that was a great topic. I hope people out there are able to find something [00:18:00] useful in it and to not worry excessively about their appearance. Focus on dressing so you're comfortable eating and drinking in a way that leaves you feeling good and looking forward to connecting with other humans when you get together because we could just send pictures over the internet. The benefit of getting together is that real human connection and conversations.

Christina: Exactly. Love it.

Georgie: Cool. Thanks so much for having this chat with me, Christina. I hope everyone enjoyed tuning in. Please write to us if there's something you could use some words of wisdom on, or a puzzle that we can help you unravel.

This is what we do for a living and I'd like to think there's nobody better at it. So drop us a line. You can use the contact form at confidenteaters.com.